I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
