How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize