I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
