Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
