you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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