sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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