i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
