Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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