I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
