chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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