I didn't shave. On purpose
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
