i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
