I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
