I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
