It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
