Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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