Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
