I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
