he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
