dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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