we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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