if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
