Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
