Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
