I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
