Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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