my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How's work?
Spinning.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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