I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
