Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
