Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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