I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
