You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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