nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
