Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
