Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
