I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
