I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
