Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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