just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
