my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
