Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

Fav 20 8434 2012
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(850): View more from Florida

It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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(616): View more from Michigan

I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.

Fav 1 1098 475
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.

Fav 7 1254 485
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(440): View more from Ohio

dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.

Fav 4 1005 474
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(206): View more from Washington

At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.

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(315): View more from New York

OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?

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