Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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