so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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