the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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