i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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