Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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