I met the friendliest cop last night
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
