Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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