If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
