So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
