I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm passing your future prison.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
