i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
