i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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