My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
