and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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