the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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