I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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