my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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