The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
