see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
